Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
