i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
