i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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