He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
