At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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