It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
id be glad to
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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