You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you had me at cake vodka
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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