Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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