they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize