everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
