i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
