I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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