we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
