Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize