May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
