Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize