We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
