I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
