I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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