Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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