Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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