I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
