I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
