I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
