i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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