the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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