From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
