My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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