I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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