Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
