you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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