he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
