left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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