I think my fart just growled at me.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
