Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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