I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
