Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
