he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
