Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
