it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
