I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
