Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
