You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
