Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
her vagine was all disorganized.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
