i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
