Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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