I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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