i jhust puked up my retainher.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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