dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize