your thong is hanging out like whoa
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
