Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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