Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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