Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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