Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
