oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
