Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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