then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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