and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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