who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
