dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
