You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
