Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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