My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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