i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
